Days came and went away really quickly over the last few weeks… usually without any inspiration for writing big texts here. But today I’ve finally decided to show up and let my feelings speak for themselves. I warn you that my english will probably suck during this whole message, but I swear I don’t give a damn. I’m just trying to let it all come out and wash away this sadness I’ve been feeling all day long.
At about one month ago I got really disappointed with someone. Somehow I can’t even explain! And I was ignored everytime I tried to tell her what I was trully feeling; asking her if she still wanted to be my friend; saying that I still care about her in many different communication ways, such as: Orkut, MSN, Tumblr, Facebook and texts.
Today I am really down/depressed. It’s not just because of her, it’s because of almost my every single friend. Many of them jumped off my life since I started dating in 2008. I know I did something uncool to one of my friends and I couldn’t blame her if she decided to hate me. But then.. my friends started to leave me alone as time went by. One of my best friends went away to study in another school, another one went to college, I lost contact with another one as she started relating to other groups in which people used to dislike me, my best friend for 11 years told me that he didn’t want to be my friend anymore…
The problem is: once I start a friendship with someone, I will always remember them. And once they achieve an important place in my life, if they decide to stop talking to me, I will always miss them so badly. When I say to someone ‘I love you’ and ‘You are so important to me’, I really mean it. It really hurts to notice I am totally replaceable on somebody’s life when they are everything on mine.
I hate when someone says that they miss me just for saying it! That drives me mad! I know I request so much attention and that sometimes I am hard to handle with, but once you get there for me, I’ll try my best not to let you down.
I like reading old letters, texts and seeing old pictures. It is a way of torturing myself, I know and I am sorry, I just can’t let them go. Not even you.
Please, contact me just if you miss me… for real. Say you want to hang out with me if you… really mean it.
Well, I decided to step by my tumblr. It has been a long time since I haven’t post anything that interesting, so.. I decided to give it a try. Let’s see what I’ll get today.
First of all, there are a plenty of things happening at the same time in my life and it’s driving me mad, actually. First of all because I have many projects to make at the same time and their deadlines are getting closer and closer and guess what? I haven’t even started doing any of them. I’m sure I’ll be freaking out at the end of this month.
Okay, let’s talk about something else. I hate talking about my uni stuff because that’s currently the trending topic of my life and I just can’t avoid it. Well, but I will. Confusing, huh?
Ok, ok.. now let’s talk about feelings. Hooray! Or maybe not. Last week something pretty awful happened. Here it is: last monday I kind of had a meeting with my best friend in the afternoon and we were supposed to pierce our ears together. Well, when we were arranging this meeting, I told her to call me as soon as possible if she couldn’t go because then I would call somebody else. I’m a chicken when it comes to needles and painful stuff. Fine, guess what she did? I sat down and waited for her for at about one fuckin’ hour. Then I decided to call her again - I first called her when I got out from uni and she said she was coming in 20 minutes - and guess what? She was still home. I got pissed off. What the fuck does she think I am? I turned off and started to cry, that’s usually my first reaction. 5 minutes later I called her again, still crying and saying:
‘What the fuck do you think I am? I told you to warn me if you couldn’t and wouldn’t come because then I would go home!’
She said: ‘Fine then, go home!’
I got so upset on that day. Come on, isn’t she my best friend? Or wasn’t, I don’t know anything about it now. I’m just tired of people letting me down, pissing me off. I’m also tired of trusting my heart to them. I try my best not to let people down and to help them when it’s necessary and what do I get from them? It’s not right. Not at all. And when someone says I must change my attitude towards them, I say I just can’t do it. My friends are so important to me… they don’t even know how. I wish they could just stop doing those kind of things.
In the end I pierced my ear all alone. It made me feel great because now I see I’m able to do things on my own. Ok, I’m thinking about doing it only when it’s necessary. I like when people make me company. :D
I saw my family this weekend and I didn’t argue with my mom this time. Ok, I admit I really miss my mom. We look like each other in some aspects even though I wish we wouldn’t because these similarities are actually my biggest flaws. After I came back from her house, it seems the storm is finally coming to an end. Optimism, yay :)
I realised I gotta go now, I’m having classes today. Happy blogging ^^
P.S: I’m sorry for taking your time with this piece of ‘random crap’