Well, after spending a lot of time without posting anything interesting or creative enough, here I am to write some of my thoughts. Sometimes I get to think about things. I like keeping in touch with my past, with what is happening right now and also I wonder about my future. And after I have my reflexing day or night, I usually come to a conclusion: the truth is.. I don’t know, why is it so difficult to be completely happy with what is going on in our lives?
It is really normal to hear people complaining and ‘blablabla’ing around and, I am sorry for that, sometimes they do complain about silly things. But who am I to judge, right? I do the same thing as they. By the way, I have the most terrible flaws and always try to admit them.
1) I am selfish. I hate sharing people I like the most because I am afraid of losing them or maybe that they find someone better than me. That kills me because I try always to do my best for them.. It is really difficult for me to get over someone, I still think about friends who abandoned me or even the ones who hurt me..
2) I hate when someone hurt my pride. I can’t just can’t say I am sorry if I think I am right… and I will not do anything about it even if I miss that person.
3) I am a stubborn girl. I am trying my best to improve this area, but it’s really hard.. I am sorry, ok? :)
4) I am competitive and I like being the best in whatever I do (especially when it comes to college stuff). If I can’t achieve this purpose, I get a bit jealous of who did it and I start blaming myself even if I did ‘the best I could’. No, I don’t think that’s the right expression… We can always push our limits, right?
5) I keep wondering about a perfect life and when things don’t fulfill my expectations, I get so frustrated.. it’s like my worse nightmare.
6) I hate how I look and I’m surely not a self-confident person. I am really insecure about me and my image even though I seem not to care about it. When someone says I am fat or that I look like a lesbian, it’s usually unconfortable for me and that pushes me even more to the bottom.
After reading my aunt’s blog, I started feeling that I’m not good enough and maybe it’s the right time for some changes. She managed to do that all by herself and I am really proud of her, but at the same time, I kind of envy that fact. As I said, I like being the best and I know that’s horrible. I always try to keep it just to myself, but I can’t.
I started feeling that I should start changing at about a week ago. It all started when I realised sometimes I dress myself in a terrible way. Ok, it isn’t a terrible way, but it really seems I pass the wrong image of myself. I still remember one of my teachers saying that I didn’t seem to care that much about my college life and my exams… Gladly, she changed her mind after seeing how much I studied for her exam and also for one essay. She said my essay was the best overall and that I write texts perfectly. It really makes my day when someone recognizes all the effort I tend to put on things. But I think she is right about this image stuff.. Oh, come on! I don’t even have high-heeled shoes.. What a shame, isn’t it?
Well, I started changing my hair. I decided to take off all of that reddish look and color it brown after having a nice haircut. Anyway… My hair has suffered a lot during the coloring process and it is looking terrible, plus the color isn’t looking like what I expected it to be. What a terrible start! So, now I am trying to recover my hair and I am crying a lot because of that. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror…
Maybe I should stop saying that kind of things or people will think I am depressive… Sometimes I really think I am because of the ups and downs I go through every single day. I am happy when I am with my friends, but when I am home alone, I start feeling lonely and sad. I think the worst time I’ve been through was in January. I was on vacations; in a city where I don’t have friends; I had broken up with my boyfriend who I used to spend a lot of time with… It was one of my biggest nightmares after 2008, when I moved on to my dad’s house and had to swallow my ex-stepmother behaviour towards me. Many bad things happened on that year.. I lost my best friends because I couldn’t manage to find time for them… I spent an awful time when I was at school. I failed on my ‘vestibular’ (the exams we have to take to get in an university)..
Anyway, let’s cheer things up a little bit in the future… Let’s see if I can keep up with my promiss. :)
After writing down this post, I seriously need an opinion… Am I depressive? O.o